The Hidden Toll of People-Pleasing: How Saying “Yes” Is Wrecking Your Mental Health and Relationships

In a world that praises kindness, cooperation, and selflessness, it’s easy to confuse being a good person with being a people pleaser. Don't get me wrong, those are beautiful and necessary attributes for health. At first glance, the difference may seem subtle; but over time, the impact is anything but. Chronic people-pleasing is a deeply rooted behavior that, while often stemming from good intentions, can silently erode your mental health and sabotage your relationships. I hear about this all the time from clients who are noticing the toll it's taking on them and the relationships they care about. 

So What Is People-Pleasing?

People-pleasing is more than just being helpful or considerate, those are important attributes. It’s the compulsive need to gain approval by prioritizing others’ needs over your own—even at the expense of your well-being. People-pleasers often struggle with saying “no,” fear conflict or disapproval, and derive their self-worth from being needed or liked. A lot of times, we don't even know we're doing this until we start feeling the repercussions. 

The Mental Health Impact

1. Chronic Stress and Burnout

When you constantly put others first, your own needs (physical, emotional, and mental) are left unmet. Over time, this imbalance leads to chronic stress, exhaustion, and eventually burnout. Your body stays in a heightened state of anxiety, and your mind never gets the rest it deserves. This state is not only exhausting, it is dangerous for our well-being because our nervous system is in overdrive which depletes our body, mind, and soul (more on this at another time).

2. Anxiety and Depression

People-pleasers often live with a nagging sense of failure or guilt. They worry about letting others down, fear being disliked, or feel crushed under the weight of unspoken expectations. These persistent thought patterns are breeding grounds for anxiety and depression. If I don't feel good about my relationships = I don't feel good about myself (cue distress, self hatred, unhealthy patterns) and vice versa.

3. Loss of Identity

When your choices revolve around others’ preferences, you slowly lose touch with your own. Your likes, dislikes, boundaries, and goals begin to blur. This disconnection from self can make you feel empty, directionless, and confused about who you are outside of others’ validation.

The Damage to Relationships

Ironically, people-pleasing doesn’t foster healthier relationships—it often poisons them.

1. Resentment Builds

When you always say “yes” but feel overwhelmed, resentment simmers beneath the surface. You may begin to feel used or unappreciated, even though you volunteered yourself in the first place. That unspoken bitterness can cause distance and emotional disconnect to yourself and others.

2. Lack of Authenticity

People-pleasing often involves hiding your true feelings or pretending to be okay when you’re not. This creates a false version of you that others relate to. Genuine intimacy and connection are only possible when we’re honest and real, and people-pleasing gets in the way of that.

3. Unhealthy Dynamics

Constantly trying to meet others’ needs can enable toxic behavior in those around you. You may attract individuals who take advantage of your giving nature, or you may accidentally teach others to expect self-sacrifice from you as the norm. This can pave the way to unhealthy dynamics of being disrespected, undervalued, and even, abuse. 

Breaking the Cycle

If you recognize yourself in these patterns, change is possible, but it takes courage. Often times, this pattern stems from childhood where we learned (unconsciously) that we are more “valuable or loved” when we acquiesce to others.

Here are a few first steps:

• Practice saying “no.” Start small. Setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s essential.

• Get comfortable with discomfort. Disapproval is not the same as rejection. Letting others be momentarily disappointed can lead to more honest and respectful relationships. Something you'll often hear me say: "People are allowed to feel disappointed." It's not your job to manage that for them.

• Reconnect with your values. Journal, reflect, or talk to a therapist to rediscover what truly matters to you.

• Seek support. You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy, support groups, or even trusted friends can help you build healthier habits.

Final Thoughts

People-pleasing may look like kindness, being a good "mom, wife, friend, daughter, Christian" on the surface, but beneath it lies a pattern of self-abandonment that can harm both you and the people you care about. True compassion starts with being kind to yourself—because only when your own cup is full can you genuinely show up for others and create healthy, connected, and authentic relationships. 

You are not here to be everything to everyone. You are here to be you: whole, human, honest, and even flawed sometimes ;).

Have you struggled with people-pleasing? Share your experience in the comments, or let us know how you’ve started setting boundaries. Your story could help someone else break free